Adult Same Old Stories

 

Well, contrary to what I said in an earlier post; I obviously do still feel the effects of marijuana, but I only notice after I give up.

 

Withdrawal from a long-term cannabis habit is tricky. Some people can simply decide to stop and act on it and not experience anything drastic; for others it takes on a withdrawal akin to heroin. Sweating, insomnia, lethargy, lack of appetite, nightmares and lucid dreams, drastic mood swings and aggressive outbursts.

I get all of the above, with a lovely mental looping of emotional wrong-doings- mine and others.

 

 

This evening, I have poured my heart out to Word about my issues with my mother with the intention of posting them. But when I stopped and read back what I’d wrote, all I can see is repetition.

Today, my frustration and drive back to smoking was triggered by my thoughts. Nothing realistic. In fact, I got some good news about my finances today and received some welcoming news about the job I start on Monday. In reality, there were no stress triggers to my aforementioned lethargic restlessness, apart from my own negative thoughts, frustration and boredom.

 

 

Changing habits takes more than a change of thought patterns- it takes practice. As Tony Robbins says “The mind is like a muscle. You have to exercise it”. In other words, it’s conditioning and my mind is anti-establishment. It tends to rebel against conditioning and do everything I don’t want it to.

 

 

I have issues. Nothing new to anyone who’s read me. I have issues with my mother, relationships, people and society in general. And I’ve done lots (and lots x lots) of things I regret. In my times of abstinence, those memories and experiences come to the forefront of my mind and I am yet to find away to kill them- except with Mary. I become frustrated by them; embarrassed or upset and like a bad dream, I can’t shake them off. They make me snappy and then I feel guilty for projecting my anger at a given opportunity on to my son or an innocent (but annoying) member of the public.  

That’s the most declarative way I can describe the reasons for my addiction. I don’t like the shitty person I become- she’s a much sharper tongued, pissed-off version of this one. I have no filter between what I feel and how I behaviour, whether the situation or people I’m with are the cause of my behaviour or not.

 

 

This is part of the muscle I need to work on with Mary. Being in the moment, rather than locked in useless memories and issues.

 

I’m going to try again. I know boredom played a big part in my relapse. With time on my hands and being on my own (my son’s staying out overnight), I felt as if I had nothing to do, even though I have a ton of DIY bits to do before I have an inspection. My body was tired, but my mind started working overtime- mulling. In the run up to quitting, I hadn’t planned my time, so left to my own devices I started craving. I know, I know- my energy levels won’t change, unless I motivate myself instead of sleeping for twelve hours- which is what I did last night. And my mental looping won’t change, unless I stop it and move on to the present day. My daily habits need to change completely- from what I do first thing in the morning to when I go to bed. Give myself something to always focus on, instead of going back over dead wood. I’ve told my son I’ve given up, so am going to endeavour to keep it to Saturday nights only, until I can find something or someone to occupy that night.

 

 

And to prepare my second stint of giving, I’m planning and turning back to Tony. By hook or by crook, I’ll drive that man in to my brain and make him stick!

 

To leave a comment, please sign in with
or or

Comments (4)

  1. smitty45

    You have the power to overcome your addiction. Believe in yourself.

    July 16, 2017
  2. RRoe

    I also hear a good person here on this log. We all have good sides and bad sites. It sounds like you’re a good mother and a responsible person. Big deal you’re not perfect. Big deal you’ve done things that you’re ashamed of. Any of us that are honest can say the same thing about ourselves. My addiction is with food, I call it my 9 p.m. snack addiction. Being overweight affects my health and yet when 9 p.m. comes I get rid of all my anxieties with whatever comes out of the refrigerator and pantry. Not so pretty when I think about it. In some ways I think you’re better off with Mary. It sounds like neither of us has enough meaningful authentic connection with other humans. Hugs.

    July 16, 2017
  3. roe
    It sounds like you know what to do and what you’ve been trying to do with other things is numb yourself sounds like you have been ruminating over the past

    It’s over and there is NOTHING you can do about that so your focus needs to be on today
    I don’t want to sound preachy but
    Pain is gods way of getting your attention
    Now that he has it
    be still and listen
    It’s time to change
    I think you know that

    Change is scary and difficult Change is a commitment Not just once in a while Change is something that takes place 24/7

    sounds like you need to change your thoughts
    Listen to positive affirmations over and over again even if you don’t believe them
    Your brain does not know if your thoughts are telling the truth
    Your brain is just there to support your thoughts
    So be careful what you think
    I am writing a book about this called
    “I am here now”
    I so many regrets
    All I was able to do was focus on them and my pain
    I desperately want to help people who are stuck

    Habits are so difficult to break
    some of the simplest ones take at least three months
    Like where you put your hands on the steering wheel
    Another story

    I wish you luck
    Fillings your time with things to do will not help
    But filling your head with positive thoughts …will
    Go on YouTube and get some Louise Hay affirmations
    And listen to them over and over and over
    You do not have to believe what you’re saying
    When I first saw that I am healthy and vibrant I didn’t believe it at all
    It took two years but I changed almost everything
    Today I am healthy and vibrant
    You only have two choices really…
    Do you want to stay in the dark or move towards the light every day you wake up think of your choices

    You know what activities will bring you back to the dark places and you know what will move you toward the light

    In my experience
    That’s an
    Easy decision
    Yet
    hardest thing I’ve ever done
    Please trust me
    It’s worth the effort needed
    Good luck to you

    July 16, 2017
    1. raining_roses

      Thank you. Your words are much appreciated

      July 17, 2017