Well, contrary to what I said in an earlier post; I obviously do still feel the effects of marijuana, but I only notice after I give up.
Withdrawal from a long-term cannabis habit is tricky. Some people can simply decide to stop and act on it and not experience anything drastic; for others it takes on a withdrawal akin to heroin. Sweating, insomnia, lethargy, lack of appetite, nightmares and lucid dreams, drastic mood swings and aggressive outbursts.
I get all of the above, with a lovely mental looping of emotional wrong-doings- mine and others.
This evening, I have poured my heart out to Word about my issues with my mother with the intention of posting them. But when I stopped and read back what I’d wrote, all I can see is repetition.
Today, my frustration and drive back to smoking was triggered by my thoughts. Nothing realistic. In fact, I got some good news about my finances today and received some welcoming news about the job I start on Monday. In reality, there were no stress triggers to my aforementioned lethargic restlessness, apart from my own negative thoughts, frustration and boredom.
Changing habits takes more than a change of thought patterns- it takes practice. As Tony Robbins says “The mind is like a muscle. You have to exercise it”. In other words, it’s conditioning and my mind is anti-establishment. It tends to rebel against conditioning and do everything I don’t want it to.
I have issues. Nothing new to anyone who’s read me. I have issues with my mother, relationships, people and society in general. And I’ve done lots (and lots x lots) of things I regret. In my times of abstinence, those memories and experiences come to the forefront of my mind and I am yet to find away to kill them- except with Mary. I become frustrated by them; embarrassed or upset and like a bad dream, I can’t shake them off. They make me snappy and then I feel guilty for projecting my anger at a given opportunity on to my son or an innocent (but annoying) member of the public.
That’s the most declarative way I can describe the reasons for my addiction. I don’t like the shitty person I become- she’s a much sharper tongued, pissed-off version of this one. I have no filter between what I feel and how I behaviour, whether the situation or people I’m with are the cause of my behaviour or not.
This is part of the muscle I need to work on with Mary. Being in the moment, rather than locked in useless memories and issues.
I’m going to try again. I know boredom played a big part in my relapse. With time on my hands and being on my own (my son’s staying out overnight), I felt as if I had nothing to do, even though I have a ton of DIY bits to do before I have an inspection. My body was tired, but my mind started working overtime- mulling. In the run up to quitting, I hadn’t planned my time, so left to my own devices I started craving. I know, I know- my energy levels won’t change, unless I motivate myself instead of sleeping for twelve hours- which is what I did last night. And my mental looping won’t change, unless I stop it and move on to the present day. My daily habits need to change completely- from what I do first thing in the morning to when I go to bed. Give myself something to always focus on, instead of going back over dead wood. I’ve told my son I’ve given up, so am going to endeavour to keep it to Saturday nights only, until I can find something or someone to occupy that night.
And to prepare my second stint of giving, I’m planning and turning back to Tony. By hook or by crook, I’ll drive that man in to my brain and make him stick!