Adult Predictable

 

Meh. So I say stuff and don’t do it. Story of my life. I gave it a shot and I’ll give it another. This place and the smoking. Old habits die hard, as the saying goes and it’s a saying I know only too well.

Addiction is nasty thing and something we’re all prone to. Even the most disciplined have their weaknesses; the most controlled have their lapses.

“I got to two days this time. Last spliff was eleven am on Thursday” I somewhat proudly announced to my dealer. Yes- the man who sold me my weed.

“I can’t go a day” he confessed. He’s a dealer that smokes his wares. Not the best in the eyes of his bosses, but the best in the eyes of his customers, because he’s one of us.

“Well, that’s the longest I’ve been since...mmm...a good while. After a day I’m usually biting everyone’s heads off” All of a sudden I felt embarrassed. I’d never vocally expressed to this stranger how much I needed him.

“Yeah, me too. I know what you mean. All of a sudden, you have these bursts of anger and it’s like, everything annoys you”

“Totally! That’s it! And you have this horrible restless energy that you can’t focus in to anything, but at the same you feel like absolute shit and just want to go back to bed”

I thought his head was going to drop off with the amount of nodding he was doing. He got it. He knew exactly what I was on about.

“I wake up and the first thing I do is have a toke” he said.

“Me too. We’re addicts. It’s a fallacy that weed isn’t addictive. Anything that makes you feel good is addictive  or like us, anything that makes you feel normal”

He nodded. Again, I worried about his neck muscles.

Even my dealer couldn’t deny that the non-addictive herb he was dealing was, indeed, addictive.

 

And there you have it- why I went back to the arms of Mary. That restless energy that isn’t powerful enough to make me do sit-ups and weights, but not dull enough for me to want to sit and watch TV all day. It hits around the second to third day and even though I knew it was going to hit (this was not my first withdrawal- just the first in the past couple of years), I didn’t prepare properly. There’s also the bursts of anger; looping thoughts of crap that I would rather bury and burn and while yesterday I managed to control the energy of them through cleaning, today was trickier.

 

So I’m back for now, Thoughts Therapy. There's something about pouring my heart out and then thinking of ridiculous tags that I really miss. But this place is diving anyway, so none of us are going to around for much longer. I managed to avoid Twitter, so yay for one small step.....

 

To leave a comment, please sign in with
or or

Comments (4)

  1. RRoe

    This site is been dying for 5 years but I still find myself drawn back to it. Why? For posts that are authentic like yours. It’s wonderful and refreshing to be as open and honest as you were on this post. Hugs. I want to say something stupid like I love you but I realize that I’m just having a reaction of connecting with another human. Yeah the phrase is not real or true but it is true that your blog touch me. I wonder if you could find a way for the real you to be out there when you make contact with other humans, besides your dealer and on this blog, if you would get the connection with other humans that you need. Of course I could say the same for me, I’m not trying to be superior. Have you ever tried meditation and mindfulness. If you’re interested I might be able to find some links to get you started. It’s made a big difference in my life, no Miracles yet but progress. Hope you have a good day. Forgive my ramblings.

    July 16, 2017
  2. 12SunOryx

    Glad you didn’t leave
    I’d recommend the sit ups though. Start with just 25, then work up to 100.

    July 16, 2017
    1. raining_roses

      Hahahahaha….you said start with 25 right? I could get to about 5! I have a bit of a fear of doing too much exercise- I clean and walk and that keeps me thin. If I start exercising properly, I turn in to a man. No joke. I once joined a gym for 3 months (I won the membership for 3 months- didn’t pay a penny!); went once a week for an hour on a Sunday morning and by the second month, I had abs that you could hit with bricks and my boobs disappeared. It was that bad that I nearly got my head kicked in when I was snogging a bloke in a club. Another guy pulled me back and went to punch me- thinking I was a man kissing a man, in what was clearly a hetero nightclub. Haven’t visited a gym since and was finally able to wear an underwire bra again after a couple of months. My BMI doesn’t seem to waver from around 17% fat, so any form of exercise turns everything to muscle. That’s my excuse anyway and I’m sticking to it

      July 17, 2017
      1. 12SunOryx

        I swear I have the same problem. I can’t swim for shit because I have no body fat. Any time I’ve ever managed to gain weight in anything but muscle, I run or bike ONCE, and it’s all gone the next day, no joke lol.
        I started out at 100 sit ups, and it’s still weird to me most people cant.

        July 18, 2017