Meh. So I say stuff and don’t do it. Story of my life. I gave it a shot and I’ll give it another. This place and the smoking. Old habits die hard, as the saying goes and it’s a saying I know only too well.
Addiction is nasty thing and something we’re all prone to. Even the most disciplined have their weaknesses; the most controlled have their lapses.
“I got to two days this time. Last spliff was eleven am on Thursday” I somewhat proudly announced to my dealer. Yes- the man who sold me my weed.
“I can’t go a day” he confessed. He’s a dealer that smokes his wares. Not the best in the eyes of his bosses, but the best in the eyes of his customers, because he’s one of us.
“Well, that’s the longest I’ve been since...mmm...a good while. After a day I’m usually biting everyone’s heads off” All of a sudden I felt embarrassed. I’d never vocally expressed to this stranger how much I needed him.
“Yeah, me too. I know what you mean. All of a sudden, you have these bursts of anger and it’s like, everything annoys you”
“Totally! That’s it! And you have this horrible restless energy that you can’t focus in to anything, but at the same you feel like absolute shit and just want to go back to bed”
I thought his head was going to drop off with the amount of nodding he was doing. He got it. He knew exactly what I was on about.
“I wake up and the first thing I do is have a toke” he said.
“Me too. We’re addicts. It’s a fallacy that weed isn’t addictive. Anything that makes you feel good is addictive or like us, anything that makes you feel normal”
He nodded. Again, I worried about his neck muscles.
Even my dealer couldn’t deny that the non-addictive herb he was dealing was, indeed, addictive.
And there you have it- why I went back to the arms of Mary. That restless energy that isn’t powerful enough to make me do sit-ups and weights, but not dull enough for me to want to sit and watch TV all day. It hits around the second to third day and even though I knew it was going to hit (this was not my first withdrawal- just the first in the past couple of years), I didn’t prepare properly. There’s also the bursts of anger; looping thoughts of crap that I would rather bury and burn and while yesterday I managed to control the energy of them through cleaning, today was trickier.
So I’m back for now, Thoughts Therapy. There's something about pouring my heart out and then thinking of ridiculous tags that I really miss. But this place is diving anyway, so none of us are going to around for much longer. I managed to avoid Twitter, so yay for one small step.....